
Feeling neglected in your relationship? Perhaps you feel as if you’re the one doing more. Are you always there for friends and family, but don’t feel as if your attentiveness is reciprocated? Are you acknowledged as being the “go to person” or the “one to get it done?” Then it’s time to look at your behavior patterns to free yourself from the chains of always the helper and never the receiver.
Cycle of addictive patterns
Craving is often associated with either food or substance addictions. Not all addictions are from substances or food. There are addictive cycles that present as healthy but disturb our overall well-being. Like substances, these addictive behavioral patterns cause us to crave. Not the biological, but the emotional cravings which cause unhealthy behavioral patterns. This emotional craving can be codependency. In a codependent relationship one person typically gives much more time, energy, and focus to the other person, who consciously or unconsciously takes advantage of the situation to maximize their needs and desires (https://health.clevelandclinic.org/codependent-relationship-signs).
In codependent relationships, the helper feels all actions are necessary for the relationship survival. The helper assumes responsibility for the other person’s behaviors and emotions, hoping to change the partner. The helper believes the partner’s behavior will improve if they are more giving, more loving, and do more. However, behavior only change when the person actively desires the change. Why would anyone desire to change if they are comfortable? Comfortability never produces growth; yet the helper provides what’s needed-continuing the cycle. Though the relationship may survive, the helper consistently exhausts mentally and physically. The helper will not have their emotional needs met.

Why do you crave helping others?
When the helper pulls back or attempts to stop the pattern, the significant other recognizes the change. This throws the significant other in motion to fulfill an emotional need for the helper. The helper feels desired and appreciated. The temporary fix, the helper’s high, returns the relationship back into the unhealthy cycle of emotional neglect and sometimes abuse. Not all partners are aware of the codependent relationship.
However, some are very aware. When a person takes advantage of someone’s lack of self-awareness, it breeds an imbalance of relational care. It is emotional abuse. It is easy to realize when one person is carrying the load. Symptoms of overload appear as irritation, sadness without a known reason, resentment, isolation, and hopelessness that anything will change. The taker or receiver who takes advantage of a helper in the relationship is dishonest. The dishonesty shows up not only in conversations but in actions. Actions such as doing something the helper likes temporarily and inconsistently. However, the receiver will only do what is comfortable for the receiver. The self-centered approach continues the cycle.
A partner who is aware will do just enough to return the helper to a hopeful state. When the cycle is at an emotional high, the helper will appear hopeful and make plans, return to being interactive, and feel connected emotionally.
Until the helper becomes more aware, the pattern continues. Patterns are consistent habits formed over a period. Patterns and habits operate on autopilot. Autopilot is most often run by intuitions and emotions. Those who come to others’ rescue will leap into action without counting the cost. For example, a mother who struggled as a single mother may naturally have a propensity to help mothers. When she sees a mother, especially single mothers, she readily helps. She helps to heal her brokenness. A man who struggled with an emotionally abusive father may, without thinking, step into the role of building up others. Our emotions and observation of others’ needs drive the actions.
Helping others on autopilot

Self-awareness will help define what you crave and make the autopilot function as it needs. Autopilot is necessary. If a baby is about to touch a hot stove, it’s necessary to react. You want to react quickly if you see a car speeding towards you as you cross the street. Before you go to sleep at night, the autopilot routinely checks and secures doors to assist you in maintaining safety. Autopilot is not the enemy. What you crave is. The first step is to identify the helping behaviors you desire to reduce or eliminate.
Identifying what drives you as the rescuer is the second step. Write or consider what relationships helping behaviors appear most. Then look at each relationship. Which behaviors do you engage in that make you uncomfortable or that the relationship rarely reciprocates? How emotionally connected do you feel consistently in each relationship where you are constantly giving of your emotions, time, energy, or even finances? What are the patterns and cycles? What do you expect from the relationship?
Your expectations from the significant other identify your emotional needs. This is what you crave. The craving drives your behavior. The craving makes you believe the other person will change. The craving is like the lottery which successfully draws millions of people because it presents the idea of a life change. We know only a small percentage of people win. Your actions can influence another person, but they will never change the person. We can only manage our growth. The third step is acceptance of reality. Absolutely nothing you do will change the heart of a person who does not have a desire to change or grow.
Breaking your addictive helping cycle
Recognizing the things that come from inside of you is what you have power over.

After you have identified what and why you crave, putting protection around thoughts and feelings is necessary. Proverbs 4:23 encourages, “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life (NLT).” Autopilot helps in emergency situations or for a necessary a quick response. However, we must be intentional in the expression of our emotions, positive or negative. A positive emotion expressed at the wrong time is just as unwise as a negative emotion expressed inappropriately. If someone hurts and you express happiness, it is not congruent with the situation. It makes you a foe and not a friend or suggests emotional instability.
Become more intentional with your actions. A helper needs to guard their emotions and actions from jumping to the rescue. Create a plan on how to self-redirect your autopilot. If you are quick to give and often feel taken advantage of, then allow a wait time before giving. For an example, your response to a monetary request can be, “Let me check my finances to see if I have wiggle room this month. Give me a day or two at the latest.” The phrase “see if I have wiggle room this month” alerts the requester of the possibility of the request not being granted. It gives you time to think about whether you should give. It opens the door to refocus your attention on protecting the aftermath, especially if a pattern is present with the relationship. It allows time to pray and ask God for wisdom.
Identifying what is your responsibility. The first thing God gave Adam was work. “The Lord God placed the man in the Garden of Eden to tend and watch over it (Genesis 2:15 NLT). Not one time does the Bible show God pruned the trees and vines or managed the garden. As a matter of fact, we don’t see God even micromanaging Adam. God gave man and woman responsibilities. He drew a boundary between His responsibility and humanity. God is the first to establish the idea of boundaries. ‘But the Lord God warned him, “You may freely eat the fruit of every tree in the garden except the tree of knowledge of good and evil. If you eat its fruit, you are sure to die (Genesis 2:16-17 NLT).
Anything outside of you is open to influence if accepted. However, others’ feelings and actions aren’t your responsibility. Each of us has work to accomplish physically, emotionally, and financially. Identify what your responsibility is. Stick to that. Once the other person sees you consistently not driving their life, they will step up or deal with their consequences of not being responsible. Ask yourself, am I supporting or doing the work? God supported Adam by initiating the garden, not maintaining it.
False emergencies reside in anxiety disorders or what is often called worrying. Worrying about whether friends or family will pull away from you. Worrying about if you are doing what God wants. Worrying about if you are being used or disrespected. When worry appears, ask yourself if I was not afraid of the outcome, what would I do? Your answer is what you desire. Now, focus on planning how to cope with the possibilities of fear. Since we can’t determine what someone else will do, we plan what might affect us.
Grace for Yourself

It will take time to break the cycle of addictive unhealthy patterns in a relationship. It will also be difficult as you must learn to cope with negative emotions from within and from the other person. If you stay consistent, it will pay off. Trust guarding your heart, identify your responsibilities, and accept that you can only change you. Go and live intentionally!
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