"Do you ever listen to me?"
"How can I when you are always talking to me and everyone at the same time?" he asked.
"I never told you that!" she said in despair.
Communication problems are common in relationships. Many arguments occur because one or both don't feel heard. Emotional disconnect becomes inevitable when loved ones feel ridiculed or dismissed for their opinions or feelings. Hopelessness becomes the tone of the relationship. Giving up feels better than learning and practicing effective communication. With intentional and proactive communication, relationships can thrive.
Creating Safe Environments
Conversations have functions. Understanding the function and style of communication will create an emotionally safe environment.
Dialogue is a cooperative conversation between two or more people. The function is engagement. In general discussions or dialogue, the purpose is to exchange ideas, thoughts, and feelings. In comfortable or familiar relationships, this type of conversation is low-stress. We learn more about each other, provide comfort, and create healthy bonds through general dialogue. Intimacy forms when this type of communication thrives in relationships.
Where dialogue is honored, assertive communication is expected and respected. Assertive communication aims to express desires and needs without demands. Those who speak assertively consider the needs of others without sacrificing their own needs. Assertive communicators are calm and direct but do not use language to manipulate or undermine the other person's feelings. Assertive communication focuses on maintaining boundaries of all involved. This communication style is truthful without force.
Dialogue increases intimacy and allows for the positive ebb and flow in the relationship.
Healthy dialogue teaches us the nuisances that displease one another. When we engage in healthy dialogue, we can better judge body language and intentions. If dialogue is negligible in a relationship, one or both partners will feel emotionally disconnected.
Obstacles to creating healthy dialogue
Dialogue disrupts when diatribe communication enters. A diatribe is a forceful and bitter verbal attack against someone or something (Oxford Languages). Whereas dialogue is cooperative, diatribe is competitive and typically one-sided. Its purpose is to attack those who disagree, sometimes intending to persuade but ineffectively due to its nature. It is a unwanted rant. The harshness and competitiveness of the diatribe deconstruct relationships instead of building them. It leads to what Drs. John and Julie, Marriage experts, call the four horsemen.
Another dialogue interruption within intimate relationships is debate. Debate is like dialogue, an exchange between one or more persons. Unlike dialogue, debate seeks to win. It is very competitive. Unless you and your loved ones are on a debate team, this type of communication will likely destroy effective communication. When a couple has healthy communication skills, friendly debates can be managed. Both people understand the hotspots and how to avoid and recover from the intense feelings that can accompany debates. Those with unresolved issues can make the error of using friendly debates to take digs or intentionally hit below the belt. This is passive-aggressive communication, which seeks to communicate negative emotions under the guise of play.
Healthy communication allows the offended partner to share offensive comments with the significant other. The offender must acknowledge the hurt, take ownership, and no longer say what is offensive. When the person shares what hurts, becoming defensive will create communication obstacles.
Discourse is another function of conversations. With discourse, one person's goal is to give information. Discourse is best in seminars, conferences, church services, or classrooms. Discourse is cooperative unless in informal conversations such as parent/child, couples, or other friendly conversations. Not giving another person a chance to share ideas or opinions dismantles engagement. Recall that engagement creates intimacy. Intimacy is formed when each participant in a conversation feels heard and valued and comments are responded to. Engagement shares a bond. Discourse is one-sided. Intimate relationships flourish in two-sided conversations with a healthy dialogue.
Discourse in friendly conversations sounds like a person who does all the talking. The discussion is interrupted or discontinued when the other person attempts to talk. Have you ever called someone, and after saying hello, you didn't get another word in but goodbye? How did it make you feel? Was the conversation engaging, or did it feel one-sided? Is the person one you would call if you needed to vent?
Discourse gives lectures when attentiveness is needed. Discourse returns the conversation to self instead of being attentive to the needs of the one sharing. Discourse dismisses feelings making the person feel devalued. Discourse is a monologue instead of dialogue.
Learning to Repond with Care
An example of a healthy response from the offender is, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings when I said your feet look like parched land after a drought. I will not say that again." A defensive response is, "Well, I said it after you called me hot pepper attitude!" This takes a lot of practice as most people don't share in the moment when they are offended but retort when an offense is brought to their attention.
Healthy communication respects opinions, values the person, and stays attentive. Respect in discussions is listening to learn what the other person values. Respect responds in disagreements, "That's interesting" or "I see this is really important to you." Disrespect is "I can't believe you think that" or "Only someone who is too sensitive would be hurt." Respect values the person's feelings.
To value someone is to regard them as important and worthy. Value can be communicated through body language and words. When we disagree, we typically disagree with the opinion or topic discussed. Why attack the person rather than the topic? To show value, we protect the person's heart. We do not overlook the basic human need of acceptance and love.
Value sounds like, "I'm sorry for what I did that hurt your feelings. It was not my intention, but I can see it hurt you " or "You have been a loyal friend. I will do better staying in contact with you. It's true. I have only contacted you when I needed something from you." Value in a relationship focuses on repair because the person is important to you.
Another foundational block to healthy communication is attentiveness. With the increase in technology and many entertainment apps, attentiveness in conversations has declined. Also, avoiding emotions can cause others to decrease attentiveness. Eye contact is necessary. Staying focused on the topic increases dialogue and emotional connection. Healthy communications acknowledge what is being said by staying on topic. If the topic needs to switch, it is asked if everything has been shared on the current topic.
Tips on maintaining healthy communication
Encourage dialogue, not debate. You are not in a courtroom trying to prove your loved one guilty. If debate creeps into the conversation, agree to change topics or wait until both can calmly find a resolution.
Clarify the message. If your partner or child states, "I didn't say that," then ask what you intend to say and believe it was a communication error. Repeat what is said afterwards to make sure the message is understood by both parties involved.
Look for solutions that respect one another's feelings, thoughts, and opinions. You create an emotional disconnect if you don't give up until someone agrees with you or becomes quiet.
Direct communication is truthful, but not harmful. When we love people, we don't say anything to destroy their self-esteem, self-image, or self-confidence. Aggressive communication attacks the person. Aggressive communication is verbal and emotional abuse.
Learn not to be defensive. Only use discourse if requested to give a lesson or seminar. If a parent, your child has opinions and feelings. Learning to respect them will teach them to respect you and others. Encourage dialogue by listening to their feelings and opinions.
Identify your goal. Do you want to be right, or do you want a relationship? Intimacy is not based on who's right or wrong. Healthy communication sets the environment for intimacy. Respectful dialogue creates engagement. Engagement builds safety, and safety bonds the relationship.
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